Once a warning, now a reminder

I may not see you
but God does.

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A letter to my 16 year old self

Dear girly,

You amaze me. I know you have hard time believing that but you inspire me, you do.  In this life you will  not only survive the unimaginable, you will thrive as well.

At this moment you have lost the most important person in your life, your sweet mama. You think that grief will never leave you and that depression has taking over your entire identity. Everyone around you thinks you need Allah,  some even whisper about professional help.

Know that you have an incredible tribe behind you. They see your worth even though you do not see it yourself now. Listen to them, cause we both know your tribe does not lie. You are beautiful inside and out, even though you feel not worthy enough to be seen or even acknowledged. I cannot wait for the day when you own that gorgeous soul of yours, when you casually sing and dance through the hallways. You are a force.

Yes, you are confused and tired but I promise you at some point you will accept your new present. There will come another point in your life where you speak to Allah with your entire heart.  After prayer, after pouring your entire heart out you will take the sweetest nap on your prayer mat. You will awaken with a little bit of hope and faith to try again.

Please, know that your writing, your art, your beautiful mind is worthy to be seen by the entire world. Do not doubt your creativity, one day you will live for it and it will feel like homecoming. I wish you had listened to your own voice before listening to the other but I am so pleased to say that it isn’t too late. Subconsciously you have always been creative, must you I remind you of  the hundreds of notes in your phone? Understand that even though you live for your passions, you need to work and get uncomfortable. Because you will only grow if you challenge yourself, if you are willing to learn.

You. Got. This.

Peace xxx

 

You cannot sit with me

I did not find a forever home in my past
the trauma however sometimes comes back
for an acknowledgement, eye contact
but I refuse to sit with it, to make small talk
I am done writing about it,
giving it my undivided attention, to bathe in it
sometimes I look at the moment
when I coughed up small parts of my soul and I think to myself

even in that moment I did not give up because of Allah

What a blessing

People are blessings too

She was a blessing for a young girl
the way you moved my heart
away from loneliness into love
you made me believe
that miracles do happen

You were the one and only gift
for so many lost souls
and I pray to God that
that He will bless you too
– I will be missing you

Family

Yes, I am from the diaspora
Yes, I am the girl from outside

BUT

Maybe I am becoming more aware of my own humanity
Maybe the loss of the one who birthed me makes me feel things more deeply
Maybe it is seeing my people express their pain through tears and poetry

Here I am in front of the screen
thousand of miles away
grieving with you all