Finally.

The girl from outside

After 25 years of being born and raised outside I decided it was time to visit home for the first time. The things I was met with, the conversations, the judgement and the curiosity sometimes felt overwhelming. The way I moved, my appearance and even the way I spoke changed. It was if my voice, my inner voice got louder and instead of ignoring it I let it speak. I had no other choice but to trust myself fully even when it led to mistakes and some embarrassment. Meeting new people, meeting old people that knew the soul who birthed me and to live in the house she was born and raised felt like home coming. Home taught me about the past, the history of my loved ones and more importantly how all of that fits in my own identity. This experience I believe did not change me, it helped me to discover parts of me that I neglected for 25 years.

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Lost girl went to Africa

We have all answered and even asked the question: ”Where are you really from?”. I knew where I was from in terms of my ethnicity and heritage but I had no Somali identity to speak of.  When it came to my Somali culture I was clueless, speaking the language felt like a war in my mouth and having an emotional interest or feeling invested in my community (here in the West or the one in Africa) was non existent.

Two days after my 25th birthday I separated from London town and embarked on the most beautiful journey, love affair, fairy tale, story with Mama, yes Mama Africa. East Africa to be exact. You would think that an adult  that has a degree in  HUMAN GEOGRAPHY  I would have at least Googled.. ANYTHING about what to expect in Mama Africa, right? No, not me. I did not research, present some questions to my family or even try and  create  a concrete plan about what I was going to do there. All I knew was that London town and I  were not a good terms, the love was not there and I felt that London town (the place where there are endless opportunities) was not letting me grow. Yes, it does sound that this trip started off as a quarter life crisis/ melt down  and that I was focused more on leaving than actually arriving somewhere else. In all honesty, I was ready to be in a place where everything was new and different. East Africa did that for me in ways that I did not think were possible.

 

Food.. Glorious Food

Noop not a piece of poetry instead in this blog post I will be discussing how East Africa has changed many relationships in my life beginning with my relationship with FOOD.

Prior to this trip I always went for chocolate and carbs. On the other end of the spectrum I would avoid red meat because the texture and the taste never sat well with me. It did not matter how it was prepared. You could fry it, bake it, make it dance I still would say nah. All in all my diet needed to change where I was in control and not my messed up taste buds. Not going to lie it was an experience.. to say the least.

My lowest point was at this restaurant where I asked for a fish burger, the waiter came back with a tuna sandwich. A part of me wanted to speak to the waiter and sort it out but the other part of me did not have the energy so I ate that tuna sandwich.. it had mayonnaise which was the first processed thing that entered my body in three weeks.

That clean eating life style, became my actual life for four glorious months. Everything was made from scratch, I did not taste or even could find a single E-number and my body suffered. My body was making weird noises and the toilet and I.. well let’s say we had a thing going on.  My body was screaming for chocolate and for some reason I did not come across any chocolate in any of the shops. I did what I had to do. I took a screenshot of chocolate bars and showed it to one of the shop owners and he said: ”Yeah, we don’t sell any of that.”  See, I asked him and two other people and they all said the exact same thing.  I bit my lip and went home. My body kept crying, my brain kept dreaming of chocolate and after a while I was looking forward to my unprocessed, clean, mother nature’s, basic meals. Changed occurred apart from the obvious such as losing weight and having clear skin, mentally  I felt like an adult, a strong woman that did not crave chocolate no more. Weakness became my foe and powerful I became.

Visiting the market opened my eyes to how vegetables genuinely come in different shapes, sizes and colors. Those potatoes that you just bought they used to be covered in mud. One day I remember I had to make the  salad (by the way the dressing was just lime juice, it is so amazing) and I found myself trying to figure out what this weird long looking vegetable was suppose to be. At first I thought it must be a courgette that did not get enough sunlight but then I was told that it is a cucumber. This cucumber was not thin or perfectly straight or even green, but it was the juiciest cucumber ever. A fruit or a vegetable does not have to look perfect for it to taste good good. Yes, that is a life lesson, you’re welcome.

Coming back from my travels I wanted to have a chocolate bar. The reason why I wanted a chocolate bar was because finally I had access. How was my first chocolate bar?  Let’s just say the chocolate bar was not devoured in heavenly bliss. After I felt like my taste buds betrayed me I tried dark chocolate (70 per cent) and we got married.

The dreams I had about Nando’s, pizza, fried chicken.. (the list my friend is never ending) did not become a reality since I have come home. The urge, the need, the cravings are no more, 9/10 the main meal is enough and snacking has become a myth. However that does not mean that I will ever give up on my apple pie and vanilla ice cream.

I went minimal

.. and I think I am staying minimal. When I left for Mama Africa.. I went on the biggest detox ever and threw out about 75 per cent of my possessions and it felt right.

Yes, I did leave for Mama Africa and I knew that I was going to come back but I still decided to throw it all out and just start over. I was taking one suitcase, another suitcase was staying with the clothes I actually love and want to wear. Cause let me tell you something I own clothes that I have no use for or are just unflattering  so keeping them made no sense. Yes I donated the clothes and took my one suitcase and left.

When I got to Djibouti I had a suitcase filled with the basics. With me I brought undergarments, a bathing suit, one abaya (which is a full length outer garment) , toiletries, shorts, 4 shirts, 2 leggings, a towel and a couple of hijabs. The idea was to be as simple as possible and to buy my everyday clothes in Djibouti. I bought  baatis  (long dresses with beautiful prints)  and shalmats (large scarfs). At first I struggled wearing the shalmats properly and I was always a little bit jealous of the women who just wore them without any effort. During my entire trip I did not had the need to buy souvenirs, instead I went on the biggest adventure of my life.

Will I keep living this minimal lifestyle now that I am back? I like to say yes, I hope so. During those four months living out of  one half empty suitcase,  taught me that I don’t need a lot of stuff.  I will however always need more of good people,  positive vibes, laughter and sincerity. I will never be minimal about that part of my life.

So.. I am an immigrant

I was 11
learning about migrants
In my test  I had to write
the definition of  the word immigrant
I thought of her ..
“My mother is an immi.”

At 16
My mother died
She stopped being my constant
She stopped being an immi
and I became one

At 23
Trying to get to know myself
I finally consciously know
I am an immi
just like my mother was.