See the other day I got too brave and decided to share. Big mistake. HUGE. But honestly, the baggage just got too heavy, so I accidentally dropped it on your toes. Soz. And now I feel that me exhaling, is too much to handle for your tiny hands. I am too big, too loud, too skewed, tainted, oh so tainted because apparently I let life do that to me… (That’s what I am thinking. Relax. I never said that’s how you truly feel about little, old, me). So… I will talk about everything but nothing regarding me, myself and that big head of mine.
And I know I should go and sit with the sun but I have allergies and I refuse to sit in the heat while popping pills. So I am going to find some rest in my bed, because at least my old mattress knows the shape of my body and doesn’t make me itch.
But I am tired. Cause life is long, you know and I need to talk to someone. And that other voice in my head is being bit of a yes man. And who even likes a yes man? Not me.
So, maybe I should talk to God more.
Yeah, I need to talk to God more.
unzip the rib cage
take out the lines of linen
one by one wash them in the pools of their eyes
wring out the shame of your family tree
throw them into the air
let the sun burn them back to new
catch them and slowly fold them back into yourself
for the love of your mother
never let her labour, your birth
go to waste
her whispers of truth filled up the air
they made the air so heavy that it became impossible to breathe
the truth will set you free
the truth will kill your darlings
may the sun burn away your outer self
may it scorch your earth
may the elements come together
and invite the new
eyes that will not lower their gaze
for no man, no how, no way in hell or for heaven
when the sirens come
know that I am holding in my breath
because when the sirens come
and I exhale
I have to face change
change I didn’t ask for
change I never prayed for
but change I need to give that nod to
Apparently closure means complete acceptance
accepting of what has been lost and what it is left in your present
So do we ever find closure in grief… do we ever stop grieving?
closure is complete acceptance
to accept I may need to unclench my fists and let go of my old breath
do not call me resilient
the backbone of your little world
do not call me the one
that will suffer for your consequences
to be patient
so you can hold me accountable
for your discrepancies
do not call me the one that will absorb your pain
and give birth to something pretty
to be both mother and father
do not call me the strong one that will carry
a whole village on her tired bones
the one that will bite her tongue
while your legs are nowhere to be found
do not call me the one that will reap the benefits in the afterlife
because she suffered silently here alone int the dark
do not call me because I won’t answer
you were ugly today
your temper became stronger than your patience
your humanity for a moment gave up on faith
after life swallowed you whole and spat you out
”Let my faith in God be stronger than my humanity
May I care more for the next life than this small moment.
May I always turn to You before turning to a temporary soul.”
I was ugly today and I still went back to God.
I will leave a notice in the windows of my soul that will read:
”needs a witness (apply with commitment)”